Internalised Homophobia
Adapted from:
All About Sex: A Family Resource on Sex and Sexuality

Homophobia is defined as the fear of homosexuality. Our society has developed such negative attitudes about homosexuality that many people have come to fear homosexuality within themselves - whether they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, straight, or transgendered. This fear is called internalised homophobia. It can cause sexual inhibition in women and men, although it may occur more often in men. It can also cause severe depression, anxiety and confusion about ones own identity.

Internalised homophobia is so powerful that up to 30 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual adolescents attempt suicide. Community groups and youth groups for lesbian, gay, and bisexual people can be very helpful in building support and self-esteem for these young women and men. Professional counselling is also helpful and enables the individual to explore the issues further, if necessary.

Internalised homophobia may make it very difficult for gay men and lesbians to develop intimate relationships with their sex partners. It can also create such fear that they will go without sex, pretend to be straight, or force themselves to have frustrating and disappointing sexual relationships with people of the other gender.

Straight men who worry that some of their sexual desires and fantasies may be homosexual may be less able to develop intimate relationships with women. They may develop "tough guy" or "macho" attitudes in their sexual relationships with women. Men with internalised homophobia may also be more likely to commit gay-bashing and other forms of sexual assault. Internalised homophobia can be helped greatly with professional counselling and psychotherapy.

Coming out is the process of accepting and being open about one's sexual orientation and gender identity. It is also the process of challenging social and internalised homophobia. There are many stages. The first is coming out to one's self. This may happen during adolescence, but it may not happen until a person is older. The next steps involve coming out to other people-friends, family, neighbours, schoolmates, colleagues, and others.

The coming-out process helps build self-esteem and a capacity for intimacy, but it can be very stressful. The people we come out to are all influenced by homophobia in one way or another. A few of them can help make the process easy, but many won't. Despite its stresses, coming out offers great relief from internalised homophobia, although it is not a cure-all. Many people who have been "out" for most of their lives still suffer sexual and social inhibitions associated with internalised homophobia. Ridding ourselves of it may be a process that continues most of our lives.

Many people find comfort in the feminine and masculine 'gender roles' dictated by social norms. Many other people are made uncomfortable by them. Many people accept their gender roles. Many people don't. They may become sexually inhibited by their conflict about gender identities.

Some feel that they have aspects of both genders. This sense of sexual self is called androgyny. Some feel they have nothing in common with either gender. Transgendered or transsexuals may become more comfortable with themselves through psychotherapy, hormonal treatments, cosmetic surgery, and support from family and friends. Despite these supports, however, transgendered people often face serious emotional struggles because of the 'sexual norms' of our culture. Those that choose surgery to reassign their genders undergo a process that is difficult and expensive.

Most of us do not experience such severe conflict with our culture's gender norms. But each of us is so unique that we may feel conflict between the gender norms of our communities and some of our own sexual desires. For example, women may not know that it is okay to be sexually aggressive, and men may not know it's okay to be passive. Many women and men try very hard to overcome the gender inhibitions they may feel by becoming hyperfeminine or hypermasculine.

Hyperfemininity is the exaggeration of gender-stereotyped behaviour that is believed to be feminine. Hyperfeminine women, as well as some gay men and male-to-female transgendered, exaggerate the qualities they believe to be feminine. They believe it is their job to boost men's egos by being passive, naive, innocent, soft, flirtatious, graceful, nurturing, and accepting.

Hypermasculinity is the exaggeration of gender-stereotyped behaviour that is believed to be masculine. Hypermasculine men, as well as some lesbian and female-to-male transgendered, exaggerate the qualities they believe to be masculine. They believe it is their job to compete with other men and dominate women by being aggressive, worldly, sexually experienced, hard, physically imposing, ambitious, and demanding.

Hyperfeminine women often seek out hypermasculine men for sexual relationships. Hypermasculine men often seek hyperfeminine women. They are likely to have rocky relationships, however. Hyperfeminine women are more likely to accept physical and emotional abuse from their sex partners. Hypermasculine men are more likely to be physically and emotionally abusive to their partners.

Although most of us are not hyperfeminine or hypermasculine and do not have a gender disorder, many of us may have anxieties and inhibitions about femininity and masculinity that make sex less pleasurable for us than it might be.

If you would like to talk to someone in confidence about any of the issues raised on this page, contact us by email or by telephone (020 8348 1785) for information about services near you which may be able to help.

Please note: At present, we do not provide an email counselling or advice service to non youth group members.