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| OutZone Support Pages - Assertiveness |
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We spend our lives being criticised by and criticising others. Gay men are no exception it seems to be a natural instinct in our society to criticise everyone and everything. It can all be very negative and very unpleasant to live with. So here are a few ideas, firstly for responding to criticism.
- Try to listen calmly to criticism rather than being defensive and denying it or justifying yourself
- Ask for clarification if the other person is not being clear - don't jump to conclusions
- If the criticism is true: either agree with it and claim it as a positive or ask for support in changing
- If the criticism is partly true: agree with it, but add a qualification
- If the criticism is not true: disagree with it and claim the opposite quality
- Try to see criticism as an opportunity to learn. You don't have to be perfect and you're allowed to make mistakes. Decide what you want to change, if anything; then move on
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| So what about giving constructive criticism? If someone else’s behaviour is causing you problems, offending or upsetting you, then you have the right to ask for change. It is essential that you do this directly. By offering constructive criticism, you show that you value the relationship with the other person. Here are a few points to remember:
- Don't wait until you're angry. Take the initiative and choose a time and place that is comfortable
- Begin with a statement about your feelings (e.g. I feel upset when you….)
- Describe the other persons behaviour specifically
- Ask for a specific change
- Decide in advance what your limits are and communicate them directly
- Remember it's a two way street - so be prepared to invite or deal with criticism
- Round it off well and move on
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  How often have you been paid a compliment and dismissed it with some embarrassment? How often do you pay compliments to others? We are often wary of compliments because we suspect that there’s something else behind them. Similarly, we may find it difficult to give compliments knowing that other people may be suspicious of our motives. So how can we make compliment giving easier and a valuable part of everyday life? Well here are a few basic guidelines to consider:
- Only give a compliment if it is sincere
- If possible choose an appropriate time and place
- Be specific - we tend not to believe generalisations
- Do not collude with dismissive self put downs by the person you're complimenting
- Remember, even if they seem embarrassed, they will probably savour the compliment privately, later
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| Compliments and positive feedback can change for the better the quality of relationships or the culture of a workplace. When you are given a compliment, try to acknowledge it by saying ‘thank you’. It’s that simple. Try it. It’s also worth learning to appreciate yourself. Remind yourself how special and unique you are. Start by writing down a list of your achievements, things you like about yourself, skills you have, positive characteristics you know you have. When you’re getting ready to go out, look in the mirror and compliment yourself. Tell yourself you’re tops! And remember once you’re out there; give someone else a compliment too! |
| Assertiveness related pages
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